Standup Comedian I (slightly "X" rated)

I’m the oldest living standup comedian, Would somebody get me a chair? I got pooped shuffling out to the microphone.

What is this world coming to? TV ads are ruining my life. I don’t want decaf coffee, I want the good stuff. It’s like using unleaded when ethyl is available. I don’t want sugarless pie, I want more sugar pie. I’m skinny. If I used Slim Fast and turned sideways, you wouldn’t even be able to see me. Why doesn’t’ someone invent Fat Fast? Once, after losing a lot of weight, my wife advised me to have a banana split every day. After that week was over, I was never able to look a banana split in the eye again.

With age, an old man like me gets shorter. I used to be 6 feet tall, but I went to the doctor recently and was measured at 5’9”. At that rate, I will be a midget stand up comic. Would somebody please lower my mike to 4’2”?

Have you noticed the ad on TV for the new Pepsi with Ginseng added? I thought that was an old Chinese remedy for erectile dysfunction. At the grocery store, I told the clerk, “Give me a 12 pack of Pepsi, I’ve got a hot date tonight!”.

I went to my urologist once and he prescribed Viagra. He told me to try a 50 mg pill. I was watching TV and when Baywatch came on I had to go into my bedroom and change to some looser shorts. When I told him this he gave me a prescription for 100 mg pills. On my next visit, I mentioned that I had seen an ad in a medical magazine saying that Viagra was available in 800 mg pills. He didn’t believe me until I showed him the ad. I suppose you could take one of these at Thanksgiving and would have an erection until after New Year’s Eve!

With all the pills I take now, I think I will mash them all up, mix them with a little bourbon and catch some Z’s!