Okinawan Sea Creature

In the summer of 1952, I was in the army on Okinawa. Some of my friends and I decided to rent a small Japanese fishing boat and go to the nearby island of Ie Shima. We wanted to see the spot where famous war correspondent, Ernie Pyle, was killed by a Japanese sniper.

As we nearer the concrete pier, one of the boat’s crew jumped overboard and pulled a large sea creature out of the water and laid it on the concrete surface. They all seemed excited probably because it meant they were going to have a great dinner that night.

It had 5 tentacles and each tentacle had 5 small tentacles. The back end had the same green colors as a “rattlesnake watermelon”. Going toward the front, the green got lighter and lighter until it was almost dead white at the front end. It was about 10” to 12” at it’s highest point and was like a snail on the bottom.

I had contacted a man in Hawaii who had had been diving in the Pacific Ocean for 30 years and he said he had never seen anything like it.

I asked Dr. Jane Lubchenco, the head of the Marine Biology Department at Oregon State University, if she had seen this creature before and she said that it was probably a cuttlefish even though the coloration was rare.

Before she went to Washington to be the head of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration for President Obama, she sent me some sources where I could look up pictures. I found one that was very similar.

We went on to the spot where there was a small monument the read “At this spot the 77th Infantry Division lost a buddy, Ernie Pyle". Within a 100 yards was a huge monument to the Japanese soldiers on the island.

Standup Comedian II (Slightly "X" rated)

I’m the world’s oldest sit down comic. I am also an old fart. How many old farts are there here tonight?. (Pointing) You…you…you…you. Glad to have you here, brothers.
As you know, I am the president of the local chapter of the Old Fart’s Club of America. We used to have a women’s auxiliary, but there weren’t many, so we disbanded the auxiliary. After all, they wouldn’t admit that they were farting, they were “emerging flatulence“! Some woman wrote a book entitled “Real Women Don’t Fart”.

My fart’s register 6.5 on the Sphincter Scale although, at a loud party, the farts, are hardly heard. I always carry a can of Pine Scent aerosol spray to clear the air. At this one party, I farted but with the Pine Scent spray, nobody was the wiser. Just then a drunk staggered in, took a couple of whiffs and loudly said, “Whose been eating pine trees?”.

I met this cutie at a party who was about 20 years younger than me and we started talking and drinking. We decided to go to a neighborhood bar and have a few more drinks. Then she whispered in my ear, in that husky whisper of hers, “Let’s go to my place”.

When we got there, she excused herself to go to her bedroom “to get into something more comfortable” and showed me a bean bag chair to sit in.

When she returned, she was wearing a very sexy negligee. It was so embarrassing when she had to help me get up out of that bean bag chair. She fixed me a drink to mellow me out. I figured that now was the time and reached for my wallet. Damn! I forgot to put my Viagra pill in there for that “special” moment!

Oh, well, back to reality!

Standup Comedian I (slightly "X" rated)

I’m the oldest living standup comedian, Would somebody get me a chair? I got pooped shuffling out to the microphone.

What is this world coming to? TV ads are ruining my life. I don’t want decaf coffee, I want the good stuff. It’s like using unleaded when ethyl is available. I don’t want sugarless pie, I want more sugar pie. I’m skinny. If I used Slim Fast and turned sideways, you wouldn’t even be able to see me. Why doesn’t’ someone invent Fat Fast? Once, after losing a lot of weight, my wife advised me to have a banana split every day. After that week was over, I was never able to look a banana split in the eye again.

With age, an old man like me gets shorter. I used to be 6 feet tall, but I went to the doctor recently and was measured at 5’9”. At that rate, I will be a midget stand up comic. Would somebody please lower my mike to 4’2”?

Have you noticed the ad on TV for the new Pepsi with Ginseng added? I thought that was an old Chinese remedy for erectile dysfunction. At the grocery store, I told the clerk, “Give me a 12 pack of Pepsi, I’ve got a hot date tonight!”.

I went to my urologist once and he prescribed Viagra. He told me to try a 50 mg pill. I was watching TV and when Baywatch came on I had to go into my bedroom and change to some looser shorts. When I told him this he gave me a prescription for 100 mg pills. On my next visit, I mentioned that I had seen an ad in a medical magazine saying that Viagra was available in 800 mg pills. He didn’t believe me until I showed him the ad. I suppose you could take one of these at Thanksgiving and would have an erection until after New Year’s Eve!

With all the pills I take now, I think I will mash them all up, mix them with a little bourbon and catch some Z’s!

Chocoholic

I’m afraid my friend, Bob, is becoming an alcoholic. He always wants an after dinner drink. I suspect that after I leave his apartment, he has another one.

I really began to worry when I was talking to him on the phone at lunch and he told me he was going to have an after lunch drink.

Then one day, I think it was last Thursday, he said he was going into town for a meeting. He had done this regularly for the last several weeks. I checked in the paper and, sure enough, there was a listing for an AA meeting every Thursday in an office building in town.

When he left, I followed him in the other car. I went to the third floor office room. The door was slightly ajar and I could see and hear what was going on. Bob had just gotten up and was saying “My name is Bob and I am a Chocoholic”. He had become addicted to the small chocolate bottle liqueur drinks and it was all my fault!. I should have expected when he demanded to go to COSTCO to buy a box of 48 of these little chocolate bottle after dinner drinks.

I will promise, here and now, to take him to rehab, get that chocolate monkey off his back and back to the healthy way of life……….the Starbuck’s way!

The Greyhound Bus Driver's Song

My true love is coming in on the 7:15 from Tucson, and when the doors open and everybody gets out, there she will be in her Greyhound bus driver’s uniform looking more beautiful than ever. She’s a little husky, but she’s just right for me. I can hardly wait so see her in her Greyhound underwear.

I know she will be leaving me for the run to Laramie, Wyoming in a few short hours
but we will make made wild, passionate love until then. I know she’ll be coming back from Alburqueque in a month of Sundays and I will be counting the seconds until I see her standing by her bus.

I go to the Greyhound bus station every day for coffee and it feels so good to be where she will be in a few short days. One day, I overheard some of the guys laughing about my girl friend and joking about how she has a different boy friend in every town she stays over night in. It just tore my heart up into little tiny pieces to hear that and I went home and cried myself to sleep.

I got myself a job driving a Greyhound bus hoping that once in a while, I could wave to her as we passed on the freeway.

I was there at the coffee shop, one day, when the Greyhound bus pulled in and I heard her yell out “End of the line, everybody off the bus!”. She came over to me, gave me a big hug and whispered into my ear, “Let’s get to your place as fast as we can”.

She told me she was just plain old tired of driving and wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. We found an old Greyhound bus, fixed it up like a motor home and got matching Greyhound uniforms.

I am now the happiest man in the whole wide world sitting next to my Greyhound honey heading west on I-10 into the setting sun.